If you’re on this page, then it’s either because you’re a big cricket fan and you’re infected with cricket fever. Or you’re the other kind, and know only ten words about the game – five of which include Sachin, Dhoni, Virat, fours and sixes. Don’t fret either of you, because this post is neither going to add to your bank of gyan or take away from it. What it might do is however nudge you in some deeper manner, towards some other sport.
Cricket is not just a game. Look at the deserted streets on a match day, look at the families packed before their TV sets, look at the runs and re-runs and re-re-runs of matches; and you too will agree. Cricket isn’t just a game, but it’s a national culture. For those who assiduously follow the matches, it has that religious fervour that is so unfathomable; it kind of tops our list of ‘mad things we do’. But then there’s one more place that I went looking. For when you check out those hordes of comments analysing, asking and wondering- the kind that come attached to those thousands of posts on cricket team selections, batting orders or match updates, you simply can’t help but wonder – can we really get this obsessed? Have we really taken a collective leap into the loony bin? Here’s the best of the worst comments just for you. (Names of people changed to suit them better)
#1: Star gyan
Dhoni should not play at #4. I am an astrologer by profession and his shani is in the eighth house, which means that he should stay away from no. 4. Shani likes no. 3 position so ask him to go there instead. Also before he hits with the bat, he should say ‘Shanayenamaha…shanty…shanty…shantihi! He should also buy a talisman for himself, which I can give at my website www.chakradharibaba.com or www.shani-destroyer-baba.com. Please avail early bird offer of special 10% IPL discount!
#2: On which team would win
The game is between batting and bowling. It is between two different teams. It is the strongest team with the best players that will win. Ok? (Ya, we really didn’t know that now, did we?)
#3: Me and my hateful self
The circus has begun. Those cricketers must be filling up their pockets. Those officials must be too. And here the poor have nothing. No money, no nothing. I am not going to watch cricket. At all. Never. (But I shall read all posts religiously, and leave my comments.)
#4: Dil se poetry
SRH will rock
When they put on their sock
Who will come in their way?
Will become their prey!!!
#5: Fevicol-strong supporters
S.R.H is the winning team. We shall win. We shall win.
#6: Kill bill supporters
You should have killer instinct on the field. Crush the ball, set it on fire, show them who’s king!
#7: On team selection- bas itna sa khwab hai
I’m Vgynai. I required : M.S. Dhoni, S. Raina , D. Bravo , R. Jadeja , R. Ashwin, Glenn Maxwell, McCullum, Chirs Gayle, A.B. de Villiers, S. Narine, A. Nehera, Zaheer Khan, Virat Kohli for Delhi Dare devils team players IPL. (Now why pay the analysts so much when all you need to do is look at the comments section.)
You are so fair, what sunscreen do you use? I saw one of the comments say that you used anything over 30, but that’s not enough for Indian sun na? I actually have a home remedy where I mix coconut oil with turmeric and use. You can try it too.
Cricketers should do yoga before going on to the pitch. The kapalabhati is very essential and can be done on the pitch as well. It will help them to promote peace and calm.
#10: Final words
(And finally something that makes a lot of sense and that the cricketers had no idea they should be doing.)
Bat well, bowl well, don’t lose wickets, take their wickets and win!
#11: When India loses
‘It’s all match-fixing for kala-dhan.’ Or a voodoo spell that’s been cast. Or special prayers offered.
And if you don’t care about how and why they play that game at all, here are questions to avoid asking cricket lovers.
Hey how many overs are there in a T20?
Why is Dhoni doing wicket-keeping?
He’s the captain na?
Hey is Shikhar Dhawan, the son of David Dhawan?
Let’s go out. You can watch the highlights of the Indo-Pak match later. It’ll get over faster too.